What are you questioning?
Your gender identity?
Your sexual preference?
The meaning of life?
Let’s break it down….
It doesn’t matter how old or young we are, at some point we will become curious (which is another word for questioning) about our: gender, sexuality, personality, identity – place in the world. This can at times become very confusing but I am writing this to express a deep desire in helping you to know something – we all go through this. I think that identifying, or questioning your identity, within the LGBTQAI+ community can of course add certain pressures and can lead to feelings of isolation.
I think it is important for us all to know that, wondering if you are LGBTQAI+ is in itself an incredible achievement – you are already ‘there’ in that you have noticed something within yourself. Many people have these same questions but they never address them.
Labels can be very helpful when exploring who and what we are, let’s throw a few into the ether and see where it leads us – intersex, straight, male, lesbian, homoflexible, trans man, fluid, non-binary, trans woman, gay, heteroflexible, asexual, polyamorous, not a chuffin’ clue.
Let me tell you which resonates for me and then I will tell you why – not a chuffin’ clue. My gender I pretty much identify as male most of the time, my sexual preference however changes just as soon as I can say ‘er?’ and that’s okay.
Questioning is a lot different from confusion, although they are linked. To question yourself, to check out who you are, is a natural part of growing up and developing into adults (and this process never stops). When I throw my arms up and say ‘I have no idea what I am… but I do know who I am!’ it feels wonderful. So if those labels up there make you feel uncomfortable – drop them. If one or two (or three or four) make you feel whole, why not use it for a while? You might find that the label no longer fits, as you continue your journey into questioning who and what you are.
That’s okay too. I think it is important to explore, to discover, to relish in the beauty of who you are right now. Sometimes you need to question before you get the answer.
Sometimes….. you just know the answer, even before you’ve asked the question.
What I do when I get confused with all the questions, is I just stop. I take a long deep breath, relax into my own body (this particularly goes out to you brave souls questioning your gender identity right now) and I feel, really really feel, this human body. I let the heat rise up within me and allow the tingles to consume my body as I become more and more present. I’ve got what I’ve got (so far as my genitals are concerned) and I feel how I feel (so far as my sexual tastes are) and, and… ah I am beginning to feel like myself again.
Now…. before you all go screaming at me ‘But I hate my body! I don’t feel like the gender I appear as!’ well that is a part of this process… when you ‘ground’ yourself into ‘what is’ – you feel. I can’t stress this enough – you feel. When we are absolutely in touch with our emotions (which we connect with via our bodies) – we just know what to do.
Sometimes this knowing will require action. Sometimes not. Often this knowing naturally, effortlessly leads us to where we need to be.
Making sense? If it is or if it isn’t, let me just put it in a nutshell – the questions and curiosities are perfectly normal, natural. The sitting still for a while is a tool for us to access the questioning in a different way. It leads us, like I said – to the wonder that is you.
And by the way….. you are beautiful – just as you are.
With so much love…. Matt xx
Matt is a therapist, coach and trainer. You can find him at http://www.sexcoaching.london.